The Loreal Extra-Intense Liquid Pencil Eyeliner? You want it.
Why she always gotta call the law? November 30, 2008
The best song in the world is being removed from the net. That’s right, “From Her Mama (Mama Got Ass)” has been deleted from YouTube. Google found it elsewhere but I am suspicious. We will forever be deprived of Paul Wall’s braids. Probably because of financial issues. We should all smoke a bowl in it’s honor. If you are too grief-stricken, I will smoke yours for you. No need to thank me. That’s what friends are for.
A trip to Walgreens always cheers me up, and today I got batteries, eyeliner and candy canes. The manager totes gave me shade. Whatever. At least I don’t work at Walgreens. So I was buying eyeliner cuz this hot Greek bitch was telling me how she loves the Prestige liquid eyeliner. I would expect her to wear something much fancier, so I had to check it out. Did you know they make it glittery?! Glittery, bitches! I had to test it though, so I put it up against Wet ‘n Wild. I had mentioned them here recently and I thought I should give it a chance. And it was $2. And I heard the L’Oreal one sucks. And I don’t touch Maybelline. Cuz fuck you, Great Lash. So I put one on each lid and went about my business. And guess what? Wet ‘n Wild totes won! They make it glittery AND waterproof. I cry at sweet commercials, so waterproof is a must. The Prestige liner gave me sad Courtney Love raccoon eye while I watched Faith Hill’s Christmas concert. The color wasn’t that rich to begin with, either. It was thick, flat and very obviously painted on. It was just too stark a contrast on skin, which naturally looks rather soft and is just a bit translucent. WNW had some depth to it so it didn’t look too terribly unnatural. It lasted thru the concert and a disco nap and the applicator didn’t hurt. The Prestige applicator is just kind of a stick. Who cares about your safety? Rub this stick on your eyeball. WNW has this soft little brush that I found to be easier to manage, and it didn’t put any pressure on my $3000 corneal flaps. So there you go, you broke ass heffas. Your recession beauty tip of the…..well, of the recession cuz I have things to do dammit.
Looking cadaverous makes me a sad panda. August 4, 2008
So I used to work with this girl. We’ll call her Traitor to her Sex Barbie. She was dating a professional soccer player. Have you seen those guys? Hotness. They pay me to slather them in precious oils. Yeah, you’re jealous. Don’t even lie. Anyway, I dunno if Barbie was scared to lose whatshisface or if she just felt insecure next to those hot bitches, but she got all tarted up in all the wrong ways every single day of her life. She looked like a HCwDB reject. Or that godawful be-tittied British tranny. The fat bald old janitor was all over her shit. She’d spend all morning primping in a security mirror, and you know I watched that train wreck religiously. She always frosted her cake face by slapping on two poorly blended splotches of glittery shit over the windows to the place where a normal person’s soul would be. Then the janitor would come creepin’ in all his sleeveless glory to wax poetic about her tits, and the cum he wishes to place thereon. Kidding! Kind of. Not really. He’s disgusting.
Point being, I wanted that glitter.
But her friend made it! Just for her! In NYC! And it couldn’t be shipped!
Well, her boyfriend has a dick only Michael Jackson could love. And I found my own magical glittery friend at Dreamworld Minerals. Yeah, her exclusive glittery shit was just mineral powder. Bitch. This site is old school, but judge not y’all. The product is fierce. They don’t have brow & lip pencils so you can roll chola fabulous, but you know you use Wet ‘N Wild and set it with Aqua Net so that shit stays proper. They’re not pimpin’ mascara either, as if I could be parted from L’Oreal anyway. I’ve tested pretty much all the Dreamworld products at work, and I haven’t gotten so much as one eyelid crease. No hairspray required. And like four people said I’m gorgeous! Okay, they were girl-people, but one day a big buff man will say somethin’ nice and I will sex him accordingly. Cuz I’m a lady.
