Well, hrmph. July 23, 2008

So, I have a Kyocera phone. I totes love it, except that I can’t silence the shutter sound on the camera. It’s been bothering me for, oh, a year. Well! Today on Jezebel I learned that the new iPhone has this same problem. And it’s supposed to! It’s meant to deter pre-verts who take upskirt and downblouse pictures. BTW, downblousing totally sounds like something sexy pirates do, so I approve. Anyway, I don’t like this at all. I see many interesting things. Sweet mullets, androgynous emo people, hippie chicks, pink cement trucks, etc. And I can’t take a picture to send to my besty, because my phone sounds like a goddamn Polaroid. This is like, affecting my quality of life, yo. And I don’t get upskirting anyway. Labias are gross.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I just had a brilliant idea, and I have to go Google “wet boxers contest”.

CTA Haiku October 14, 2007

No, I really don’t have anything better to do today.

able bodied men
each comfortably seated
chivalry lies slain

no gentle breeze here
renegade climate control
wilts the tender rose

shouts and cheeto dust
oh, neglected demon spawn
call DCFS

hello, strange new hand
I don’t believe we have met
you owe me dinner

a window clatters
as the broken cord dances
the still sign abides

Earl Grey Goose October 1, 2007

Heh, I think I stole that Photoshop from Perez a long ass time ago. Naturally I had to save and caption such hilarity.

So, remember the episode where they found some weird planet where people were killed when they reached a certain age? I don’t remember what happened, but I’m gonna go ahead and guess Picard had some tea and looked concerned, the Greek alien chick sensed something but did not catch on to the hideousness that is purple jumpsuits, and Riker managed to score despite the fact that his waistline has clearly modeled itself after the ever-expanding universe that he explores. Yeah, I think that was every episode ever. So anyway, I was reminded of this episode a couple weeks ago when some old dude stopped me on the street. Being accustomed to the city, I was expecting him to ask for change or say something uncalled-for about my luscious boo-tay. But noooo, he wanted to tell me that my snuggly soft pink Gap shirt made me “a walking billboard for capitalist pigs.” He lectured me right there in the middle of the street for about five minutes about sweatshops and forests. M’kay, Gramps. How ’bout I just whip it off? I swear. Maybe Lady Godiva knew some hippies?

I saw him a few days later at Walgreens telling the manager some markers he only used once must be defective. Um, how about let’s not buy art supplies at the drug store? Do you really expect them to last for more than one protest sign?

Somebody had best Old Yeller me when I get all retired and kooky.

But back to Riker for a minute. I mean, seriously, was there no gym on the ship? Funny Forehead Dude didn’t get all puffy, and neither did Reading Rainbow Man. Sex must not burn a lotta calories. Maybe he was an alky!!!! Escándalo!

Things I learned on my first day of school. October 1, 2007

By Lattelicious.

 1. Waking up at 5am sucks, but if you must, early morning train rides are kinda soothing.

2. Eating nothing but a energy drink at 9am, a gulped down in 10 minutes half a sammich at 11:45 am, and orange chicken and noodles on the train home at 6:15 pm, kinda fucks up your stomach.

3. Art is easier when they let you use tracing paper.

4. No matter how much you’re paying for school, you’re gonna have to spend a good chunk of your first day fixing someone in charge’s mistakes.

5. The teacher for my second class of the day might be pleasantly insane. He spent two out of three hours of the class rambling on about the JFK assassination, his “former wife,” his two Chinese daughters he adopted with his “former wife,” dinosaurs, aliens, The Beatles and how they were so very cool they might have been the devil, the recently discovered chunk of the universe that seems to have nothing in it, how maybe the devil lives in that empty chunk of the universe, and many other things I can’t remember. So, pretty much all the classic “crazy person” topics. Awesome.

6. People in Chicago are shockingly nice! A woman helped me out when my CTA card was being retarded. The guy driving the Brown line stuck his head out the window and asked if I needed directions when I paused to look around after getting off at my stop. No less than three random people at school asked if I needed help finding my classes (and the area where all the classes are located is about 1/8th the size of my high school) . The woman behind the counter at Panda Express chatted with me about the Cubs and how Harry Caray is looking down on us. Actually, all but the last one has me thinking I just look lost and hopeless, and maybe Panda Express lady was just nuts. Eh, whatever. You still don’t get niceness like that in my hometown.

7. If waking up at 5 am sucks, waking up at five am and not getting a break from running around and carrying a ton of art suplies until 8 pm, blows.

G’night, everyone.