How to use a public restroom like a big girl, November 26, 2007

By Lattelicious.

 

1. No cell phones. No one wants to hear you pee while on the phone, and no one wants to hear your conversation about dat bitch at da club. Would it kill you to hang up for five minutes? Texting is acceptable, as it it unobtrusive.

2. While some makeup application is okay, (feel free to touch up your lipstick, for example) please do not bust out your entire collection of MAC products and proceed to hog the entire three-sink area. Also, blow dry your damn hair at home, jeez.

3. Shit happens. And if shit is going to happen, I think we can all agree the best place for it is in a toilet. If you’re too pretty to shit, you don’t exist. So fuck off.

3a. If you are taking a dump and I have to listen to you strain, please eat more fiber. I really don’t want to notice your foot poking under my stall from your legs spread so wide and listen to you “HHRRRRRRRRGGGH!!!!” (True story.) Really, honey. BeneFiber. It’ll do you good.

 4. Listen up. I cannot emphasize this enough. DO. NOT. PEE. ON. THE. SEAT. Got it? Good. The toilet germs are not going to consume your flesh, so just plunk your precious ass down, baby. Or use a seat cover. Or line the seat with toilet paper. Anything. Just, for God’s sake, don’t pee on the seat. What’s next, flinging poo? Savages.

5. If I am gagging at the stench of rotten tuna as soon as I open the main door, sweet fancy Moses woman! Go to a Gynecologist! And tell him to wear a gas mask. That gunk might splash up and eat his face clean off.

 6. No masturbating. Just… no. And yes, we can tell.

 Please, ladies. I know I am forgeting things, so add ‘em in the comments.

Random lame bitching November 12, 2007

Brought to you by Lattelicious.

So I’m sitting in the library. I’ve never used the computers in the library here. I check in, get a sign thingy telling me to use comp. #8. I go and find #8, and there’s a guy sitting there with no sign. I ask if he checked in, he hasn’t, I say, Well, you’re kinda on the computer they told me to use. So we go up and ask if he can check in and switch with me so he doesn’t need to move. Yeah, turns out that there are two sets of numbered computers. One for AI students, one for Argosy students. Nothing to say which is which, and no one said, “Oh, use the center bank of computers, not the ones against the wall.” Lame.

I always seem to be plagued by incompetent teachers. My assignment today in my computer class: To better understand HTML, type up this printed page exactly the way it already is. Do not be concerned that no one actually told you what any of the commands are, such things are unimportant. If you already know something about HTML, or are reasonably intelligent, you can correct the obvious mistakes/errors/typos and either get extra credit or points taken off. It’ll be a surprise!

But, the small things make life better. Chocolate has mood enhancing chemicals. Cheeseburgers are good for my soul. Music gives me perspective. And if I can just make it through these Times of Great Lameness, I have faith that the Days that Do Not Require Medicinal Cheeseburgers will come.

Amen, my sisters.

Oh No They Di’int! November 7, 2007

Helllll to the no!

It’s a Fugly Footwear Throwdown now!

Ugh!